Cap Psych Pod Episode 2: Self and Co-Regulation in Parenting

Today we’re joined by Sandra LeBlanc. Sandra is a Registered Social Worker with 25 years experience and has been with our clinic for just over a year now. Sandra works with children, adolescents, adults and families to navigate through a wide range of mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, attachment issues, trauma and grief.

Today we're going to dive into a topic that many people can relate to: parenting. Sandra is going to provide some guidance on self and co-regulation, specifically utilizing the P.A.C.E approach.

First, let's talk about self regulation and co-regulation. What does self regulation mean?
S: So very often, parents will come in and ask me if I can teach their child self regulation skills, or the teachers want them to have self regulation skills in the classroom. What self regulation means: it's the ability to manage your big feelings, your impulses, to think before you act, using self control, managing yourself, managing your anger and impulse control so that you're not bopping Johnny on the head in the classroom or doing things that parents or teachers don't like our kids to do.
However, the problem with self regulation is that it can be really really hard for children when they are young and their brains are not fully developed. That's one thing we're really becoming a lot more aware of; their brains are still quite young, so they need our help- so that's where the co-regulation comes in.

Perfect, so what is co-regulation? How would you describe that?
S: So because our brain is already fully developed, or at least we hope it is- most of the time it is but sometimes we have our off days too, and our off moments- so we need to help the child to regulate and calm what we call their fight/flight/freeze responses which is kind of like the bottom half of the brain where we don't think rationally. If a child is not thinking clearly, the bottom half of their brain is going into that fight/flight/freeze response so then they can't access the thinking part of their brain (the frontal cortex)- that's where maybe they know that they should be using their words, not hitting or not throwing, those kinds of things, but they forget in that moment because they're in that fight/ flight/freeze response and the bottom half of their brain is activated.
What we need to do is to engage and nurture them first through emotional co-regulation. So for example, being with a child comes first before we teach them.

Okay, that makes sense. So what is the P.A.C.E approach? Can you explain that?
S: Sure! P.A.C.E was first developed by Psychologist Dan Hughes who developed dyadic developmental psychotherapy. P stands for playfulness, A stands for acceptance, C stands for curiosity, and E stands for empathy. If you'd like, I can go into them in a little bit more detail for you.
K: Yeah, sure that would be great.
S: P, being playful- play is really the key to a child's world and their way of learning about the world. When we engage in playfulness with them, we are showing them an interest in them, or showing that we care about them and that we want to have fun with them. We also have to make sure that we're not totally plugged into our devices like out phones or electronics when we're playing with them- we need to be there with them.
K: That's very hard nowadays.
S: Yes, exactly- we get very distracted by all those things. If we can also use humour with them, that can help us go a long way as parents- we just have to make sure that we're not using sarcasm instead of humour because sarcasm could certainly have an impact on them and they could find that hurtful.
A stands for acceptance, which is one of the harder ones, I find, to use. What we're doing here is we're accepting the child's feelings and behaviours, and we're just accepting them in that moment. So the parent can accept the feelings, but not necessarily agree with them or condone the behaviour. For example, they may be super angry and throwing something or a toy or maybe even calling us names- that's hard as a parent to sit there and listen to that, but the acceptance part is saying "okay, wow I can really see that you're really really angry right now" or "you're super frustrated" or "you're really angry with mom/dad."
It's not to be confused with accepting that it's okay to throw that toy, or it's okay to call me names- that's not what we're saying here. We're just really validating their feelings in that moment.
C is where we're using curiosity. At this point, we're not trying to assume that we know what they're feeling or why they're doing something. An example might be if you see your child laying on the couch and you think "oh, they're just being lazy." What we need to do here is just be curious and ask questions like "oh, I see you've been on the couch more often than usual- I wonder if you're feeling lonely, or your sad- what's going on?" Just be curious, and don't assume that it's laziness. Even going further such as "with this pandemic, I wonder if you're missing your friends and maybe you're just really bored, what's that like for you that you can't see your friends right now?"
K: Right, I feel like for a lot of parents it's hard to remember that yes- they're a kid, but also they're just a small human. Kids have the same thoughts that we do.
S: Yeah, exactly. They don't always want to tell us what they're feeling, because sometimes they don't know what they're feeling either- maybe they have a feeling in their stomach but they're not really sure what's going on.
The last one is empathy- this is where we're trying to understand and be sensitive to what they're feeling and experiencing and trying to understand their thoughts; basically putting ourselves in their shoes. So "oh, wow that sounds really hard for you- of course you're bored, of course you're missing your friends, I totally get that. It's okay for you to feel sad and lonely and like you're missing out, especially during Covid." It's been so hard for all of these kids who have been home for longer periods of time or maybe they're not able to play with friends or peers because they have an immuno-compromised family member so they have to be really careful about socializing, so that could be really tough for them.

For sure! Can you tell us a little bit about the ideal outcome of adopting the P.A.C.E approach with regards to parenting?
S: The idea of using the P.A.C.Eful approach is to build a safe, trusting and meaningful relationship with children and for young people who have experienced trauma. This is what Dan Hughes was doing when he developed it, and I've found that you can use this approach with any child whether they've experienced trauma or not, or even with yourself. That's one thing I encourage parents to do is to try to be accepting of their own feelings and be empathic towards themselves. I encourage teachers to use it with their students at school, and hey- you can even use it on your husband if you want.
K: It's always good to improve any kind of relationship.

Can you walk us through a scenario when this might be applicable?
S: Yeah, so one example I can give you is this: let's pretend there are two children who are stuck at home, isolated with their parents because of Covid and one of them starts to express some anger, throwing a toy and says something like "I'm really tired of playing with these toys all the time, I'm so sick of being with my brother all the time, I don't like this anymore." As a parent, you might be feeling like "wow, my child's really ungrateful- she has all these toys, and a roof over her head, a brother to play with, why is she being so [ungrateful]." I need to check myself, I need to take a moment and breathe and try to not pass my judgement on them. This is where I use the A in P.A.C.E. being accepting- so "oh my, you seem so angry right now." "I wonder if it's really hard for you not to be able to see your friends right now." (That's the Curiosity) "here you are, you're stuck at home with mom and dad and your little brother, wow that must be so hard for you."
Then it's kind of wrapped up- I didn't really use the P in there- there's no Playfulness in that scenario exactly, but I really tried to use Acceptance and Curiosity and really try to figure out what it is [that was bothering them]. Your child might say "Yes! Yes! I miss all my friends, I don't get to see them anymore and I'm tired of playing with my brother." In this situation, the child might still yell, they might still cry, they still might have a temper tantrum, and it might still last for a while, but the hope is that the child's feelings are being heard and they're feeling validated. As a result of that meltdown, the child will diffuse in a more timely manner. If the parent is able to come alongside them and offer them support in using this approach vs something like a time out where they get sent to their room or sit in the corner, which is more of a punitive nature, this will help them become more regulated and calm down faster. It doesn't change the outcome, because they still can't play with their friends, but at least they're feeling heard and validated by their parents and they're learning how to manage big feelings.

Okay, so is it beneficial for parents to learn how to utilize P.A.C.E on themselves before applying that technique when dealing with their kids?
S: I think so, because again, like I said in that scenario- you might be thinking "wow, my child is so ungrateful and not using the toys that they have." So we really have to accept our own views and our own values and feelings and this way if we're accepting "this is what I'm feeling right now, I'm feeling really triggered by their reaction" then it's going to help me stay calm, and I'm going to use a little self-compassion on myself, or Empathy on myself. Maybe later on, I might be curious as to why I'm so upset about them with that [situation]. It might be something that goes back to when I was younger about when my parents told me I really need to be grateful for toys because we only got one toy for Christmas- that kind of thing. So it's good to use it on yourself, and to be empathic with yourself, as well as your spouse too if you're finding that you're upset with how they've dealt with a situation with the child.

What benefits do you see in using P.A.C.E vs other parenting approaches?
S: I think the biggest benefit of this approach is that you're not trying to change or negate the child's feelings. By using the acceptance, the child feels heard and understood. It doesn't mean that you're condoning the behaviour, and the temper tantrum may still happen but it will not last as long.

In what ways does the coronavirus affect the use of P.A.C.E? Do you think it makes it more relevant given all the changes that everybody has experienced over the last 2 years?
S: Definitely, as in the example I used earlier- I think that because of this global crisis, parents need to be more accepting and empathic towards themselves and to each family member, and accepting that it's really hard for us to be isolated, for us to work online, to miss friends, to feel anxious about going in public again which is something that some people might be dealing with as well, especially as mandates or restrictions start to lift. By being able to use curiosity to wonder aloud "Gee, I wonder what you guys are feeling right now- are you missing your friends? Is there anything you're worried about at school right now? Are you worried about the masks or not wearing masks?" Each child deals with the situation in a different way; we just need to figure out how they're feeling. I find using P.A.C.E very helpful for any scenario, really.

Right, perfect. Okay, so switching gears a little bit- let's talk about meltdowns, which is literally every parent's nightmare. Something you talk about is looking for signs of stress in children. Can you walk us through some potential behaviours to look out for?
S: Yes, so some things you want to look out for is things like toileting accidents, aggressive behaviour, defiance, when they're seeking power in other ways- so some children right now may be seeking control in a lot of different ways because of all the uncertainty that we've been experiencing due to the coronavirus. Another one you might see is baby talk and asking to be dressed, even though they already know how- they already have that skill, so they're kind of regressing in their behaviours. In this case, it's really important to provide the child with a connection if they're looking for that at that time. If they want to be dressed and it's just once in a while that you need to help them with that, then you're meeting their emotional needs and they're feeling safe. Once they feel safe again, then you will probably see the baby talk disappear. But if you use comments like "use your big boy/ girl words" then you might be shaming them and you won't be meeting their emotional needs.

That makes sense. What advice can you provide to calm a child when they seen inconsolable?
S: One thing I often suggest is just seeing if you can offer them a hug or a touch or to help regulate them in that moment and just listen to their cues of what they need at that time. Other things that might be helpful are providing them with space, distraction, or with sensory activities- some kind of physical activity that is obviously safe such as jumping on a trampoline if you have a small trampoline in the house, playing with a ball. And then finding things that they find soothing and calming for themselves like fidgets or bouncy balls, or a rocking chair- lots of kids find that soothing, colouring books, puzzles, bubbles. Doing deep breathing with bubbles can be really helpful.

How do you suggest a parent close out a meltdown? Is there an approach that you've found useful to reconnect with a child after the fact?
S: Definitely I would suggest going back later and talking to the child once they're calm. We want to be looking for the teachable moments once you're both calm. So together, you can also discuss what they might want or need when they're feeling upset. This is going to help you with that calming down space or calming down basket, so you might ask them "do you need space?" or "do you need a hug?" or "what would you like in your calming area or basket?"
K: That makes sense. I feel like almost everybody's been in the position whether they have a child or niece or nephew and they're just like "ahh, I can't talk to you right now" because you get so flustered and upset, it's hard to be the parent in that situation.
S: Mmhmm, and sometimes if you need to walk away yourself, that's okay. You can tag team somebody else in that might be around- hopefully someone else is around that could take over for you so you can go and become calm and collected.
Lastly, parenting's not an easy task and we all make mistakes. I'm a parent myself and I've made lots of mistakes. We need to practice self care and we need to try and stay regulated ourselves when we are dealing with our children's big emotions. Let's say we don't stay cool, then it's okay for us to go back later on and repair the relationship. Just say "Hey, I'm really sorry mommy yelled" or "I didn't handle that situation as best as I could have and I'm really sorry and I love you." Making sure that the child knows they're still loved and cared for, and the fact that you're able to apologize and show that you're human is really really helpful.
K: Right, and that too, maybe not if they're super young, but it also shows them that they're allowed to have emotions because even their mom, dad or parent does, so that's good.
S: Yeah, and I think because of Covid, everybody's emotions are running high right now so even parents are struggling a lot lately, so it's is even harder for us to self regulate and help to co-regulate our children.

Thanks so much to Sandra Leblanc for taking the time to provide some information on self and co-regulating in parenting. If anyone is interested in speaking with Sandra, please feel free to reach out to the clinic at www.capitalpsychological.com