Peace of Mind: Mental Health Tips for the Holiday Season

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The holiday season is often a time for joy, connection, and celebration. For many, it’s an opportunity to gather with loved ones, share traditions, and create cherished memories. However, the holidays can also bring unique challenges, especially when it comes to family dynamics. If you’re already managing anxiety, depression, obsessive thoughts, or any other mental health concern, the added pressures of the season may feel overwhelming.

Let’s explore the common challenges families face during the holiday season, why they can be stressful, and practical strategies to help protect your mental health.

Why Are Family Dynamics Challenging During the Holidays?

High Expectations- Many people feel pressure to create the “perfect” holiday experience. This can lead to stress, especially if you’re hosting, organizing, or trying to meet everyone’s expectations.

Unresolved Conflicts- Family gatherings can bring old tensions or unresolved issues to the surface. Even minor disagreements can feel magnified during this emotionally charged time.

Comparisons and Judgment- Whether it’s about career choices, parenting styles, or life milestones, comparisons within families can create feelings of inadequacy or defensiveness.

Blended Families and Changing Traditions- For blended families or those navigating co-parenting arrangements, balancing multiple households and differing traditions can be particularly stressful.

Grief and Loss- Holidays often remind us of loved ones who are no longer with us. This can bring feelings of sadness or amplify existing struggles with depression.

Financial Pressures- Gift-giving, travel expenses, and hosting responsibilities can strain budgets, adding another layer of stress to the season.

Conflicting Expectations- While some family members may want to spend every moment together, others might prefer smaller interactions or need space. These differing needs can lead to tension.

Protecting Your Mental Health During the Holidays

If the holiday season feels overwhelming, you’re not alone. Here are some ways to manage family dynamics and prioritize your well-being:

Set Realistic Expectations- The holidays don’t need to be picture-perfect to be meaningful. Focus on what truly matters to you—whether that’s spending time with loved ones, maintaining a simple tradition, or enjoying quiet moments for yourself. Let go of the pressure to meet every expectation.

Establish Boundaries- Boundaries are essential for maintaining your emotional health. If certain topics tend to cause tension—such as politics, finances, or personal decisions—communicate that these are off-limits. For example, you might say, “I’d rather focus on enjoying our time together than discussing [specific topic].”

Prioritize Self-Care- Your mental and physical health should remain a top priority. Make time for activities that help you recharge, such as:

  • Walking or exercising

  • Journaling or reflecting

  • Practicing mindfulness or meditation

Even small acts of self-care can make a big difference in managing anxiety or obsessive thoughts.

Plan Ahead- Anticipating stressful situations can help you feel more in control. If you expect conflicts or tension, think about how you’ll respond calmly. Practice redirecting conversations or stepping away if needed.

Focus on Gratitude- Shifting your mindset to gratitude can help counteract negative thoughts. Consider keeping a gratitude journal or sharing what you’re thankful for with loved ones. This can foster a more positive atmosphere during gatherings.

Be Flexible with Traditions- Family traditions often evolve as circumstances change. Be open to creating new rituals or adapting old ones to accommodate the needs of everyone involved.

Limit Alcohol Consumption- While alcohol may seem like a way to relax, it can sometimes lower inhibitions and escalate conflicts or emotional stress. Moderation can help you stay grounded and in control.

Practice Compassion- Remember, everyone brings their own stresses and challenges to the holidays. A little empathy and understanding can go a long way in diffusing tension.

Know When to Take a Break- If you feel overwhelmed, it’s okay to step away. Use this time to reset with deep breathing, meditation, or a quiet moment to yourself. Protecting your mental health sometimes means saying no to an event or cutting a visit short.

Seek Support- If the holidays feel especially difficult, reach out to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist. Talking about your feelings can provide relief and help you navigate challenges more effectively.

When Family Relationships Are Especially Difficult

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For some, family gatherings might not be possible or healthy due to toxic dynamics, estrangement, or past trauma. If this is your situation, consider creating your own holiday traditions:

  • Spend time with friends or chosen family who uplift you.

  • Volunteer or give back to your community for a sense of purpose.

  • Use the holidays as an opportunity for self-reflection and personal growth.

Remember, you don’t have to conform to traditional celebrations if they don’t serve your well-being.

The holidays can be both joyful and challenging, especially when family dynamics add complexity to the season. By setting boundaries, practicing self-care, and seeking support when needed, you can navigate this time in a way that prioritizes your mental health.

Unlocking Potential: Understanding the Psycho-Educational Assessment Process

Psycho-educational assessments can be incredibly helpful for children, adolescents, and adults. Whether you’re seeking clarity for yourself or a loved one, this post will guide you through the process, from the first steps to what you can expect along the way.

Step 1: Identifying Your Concerns

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The first step in starting a psycho-educational assessment is identifying the challenges you or your child are facing. These might include difficulty paying attention at work, memory issues, or a child struggling with behavioral challenges at school. Sharing your concerns with the clinic staff upfront allows them to guide you in the right direction from the very beginning.

Step 2: The Intake Interview

An intake interview is scheduled to explore your concerns in more detail. During this conversation, you’ll discuss topics such as:

  • Family history

  • Academic or work history

  • Current behaviors and areas of difficulty

For children, the intake interview is typically conducted with parents only. This step helps the clinician develop a deeper understanding of the individual’s unique situation and needs.

Step 3: In-Person Testing Sessions

child learning at school

Photo by Tima Miroshnichenko

After the intake interview, the next step is scheduling in-person testing sessions. These sessions are designed to gather detailed information about the individual’s cognitive abilities, emotional well-being, and behavior.

  • The individual being assessed will work one-on-one with the assessor to complete various tasks and questionnaires.

  • Additional questionnaires may be provided to parents, teachers, or spouses to gain insights from different perspectives.

These sessions are structured to identify both strengths and areas that may require support.

Step 4: Analysis and Reporting

Once testing is complete and all questionnaires are returned, the assessor will carefully review, score, and interpret the data. This process leads to the creation of a comprehensive report, which includes:

  • A summary of findings

  • Any relevant diagnoses

  • Personalized recommendations

These recommendations might involve accommodations for school or work, therapeutic treatments, online resources, or lifestyle changes tailored to support the individual’s well-being.

Psycho-educational assessments are a valuable tool for gaining insight and clarity. By understanding strengths and challenges, individuals can move forward with strategies and supports that empower them to thrive. If you have any questions about getting started or would like to book an assessment, our team is here to help.

Seasonal Affective Disorder

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With the seasons changing and days getting shorter, now is the perfect time to educate yourself on Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD).  It’s likely you have heard the term before, but what exactly does it mean? SAD is a form of clinical depression that is typically onset during the winter months. It is said that the lack of sunlight typically seen in the colder months leads to depressive episodes. According to an article by Darren Cotterell MRC Psych, SAD is generally believed to affect women more than men and the age of onset is usually between 20-30 years. [1]

SYMPTOMS

Symptoms of SAD, much like depression, can include:

  • Fatigue

  • Loss of interest

  • Changes in sleep patterns

  • Craving and eating unhealthy foods (carbs, sweets)

  • Weight gain

  • Feelings of hopelessness

  • Thoughts of suicide

  • Loss of sex drive

  • An overall sad mood

TREATMENT

Emphasis on a healthy lifestyle

While it is important to take care of your body by exercising and eating healthy year round, if you suffer from SAD, try to put in an extra effort to maintain your diet during the winter months. Combatting the feelings of depression with nutrient rich foods to provide your body the energy it needs is extremely beneficial.

Don’t shut yourself in

It can often be difficult to find time in the short winter days to get outside- especially if you work office hours, try to make a goal to go for a short walk on your lunch break. On days off, make sure you get out of the house at least once a day for a walk, coffee, or physical activity.

Surround yourself with loved ones

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Depression is an illness that can often lead to withdrawing from friends and family. If you begin feeling the symptoms coming on, reach out to your loved ones and speak with them about what is happening. They should make it a priority to spend quality time with you and help you through your rough time.

Seek professional help

If you feel as though you are unable to combat your symptoms of SAD on your own, seeking the help of a mental health professional is highly recommended. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and/or light therapy are often recommended for individuals with SAD. CBT helps patients identify and incorporate enjoyable activities into their life and explore and change negative thoughts and emotions associated with winter. In a 2016 Psych Central article by Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S. it is noted that light therapy and CBT are both effective ways to treat Seasonal Affective Disorder; however, CBT for SAD may be more effective than light therapy. A one-year follow up showed that participants treated with CBT were doing much better than individuals who were treated with light therapy. [3]

 

References

[1] Cotterell, Darren MRC Psych Pathogenesis and Management of Seasonal Affective Disorder

[2] American Psychological Association American Psychological Association- Seasonal Affective Disorder

[3] Tartakovsky, Margarita M.S. Are You SAD This Winter? Coping with Seasonal Affective Disorder

Slumber and Sanity: The Hidden Link Between Sleep and Mental Health

If you haven’t experienced it first-hand, it may be difficult to connect sleep-related issues to mental health concerns. Studies show that about 40% of patients who seek out medical help for their sleeping problems have a psychiatric condition, and between 60-90% of people with depression have insomnia. Commonly, sleep disorders go hand in hand with mental health disorders such as anxiety, depression, ADHD, schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. Sleep problems present themselves in different ways depending on which disorder the patient suffers from; for example, patients with anxiety disorders such as PTSD and OCD tend to experience insomnia, nightmares and nocturnal panic attacks, and people suffering from depression tend to experience hypersomnia or sleep apnea.

 Melatonin is the chemical in the body that is released from the pineal gland which modulates sleep patterns in both circadian and seasonal cycles; it is responsible for inducing sleep. Cortisol is the hormone released by the body in stressful situations, such as moments of worry or anxiety. Cortisol offsets the balance of melatonin, which can result in trouble falling or staying asleep. Depression has been linked to imbalances in the thyroid hormones which can also lead to sleep problems.

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Sleep patterns typically cycle between two categories: Rapid Eye Movement (REM) and “quiet” sleep. “Quiet” sleep is when you are in a deeper sleep; during this time, your body temperature drops, your muscles relax and your breathing slows. This is the time that helps to boost your immune system. REM sleep is the part of sleep where people dream. During this time, your breathing, muscle tension, heart rate and temperature are similar to the levels present when you are awake. REM sleep is critical in enhancing learning, memory and emotional health.

 How to Make Improvements

Be aware of substance intake. Caffeine is a substance that many of us consume daily - it is a stimulant that helps to keep us awake and alert. Try to cut out as much as possible, even if it is just one less cup a day. Alcohol is another common substance that many of us consume regularly, however not everyone is aware of the effect it has on our sleep; while alcohol initially depresses our nervous system, eventually the effects wear off which causes the sleepy feelings to fade and sleep to be disrupted. Nicotine is another commonly used substance. Nicotine is a stimulant, so consumption before bed should be avoided in order to obtain a good night’s rest.

Increase physical activity. Physical activity is always recommended for a healthy lifestyle and mental health, as well, physical activity has been proven to improve sleep quality. Make it a habit to include 30 minutes of aerobic activity into your daily routine. Activities such as yoga are also recommended before bed to help wind down after an eventful day. Home workouts are readily available on social media platforms such as Youtube, as many of us are opting out of entering gyms in order to avoid others and potentially contracting Covid19. Discovering the type of workout you enjoy will help to keep you motivated to get your active minutes completed each day.

Photo by Ketut Subiyanto

Improve your sleep environment. It is important that your brain associates your bedroom with sleep, so try to keep the area designated for just that. Many of us are working from home now, and some people need to use their bedroom as their home office.  This is understandable, but try to configure the room to have a designated zone for working and a designated zone for sleeping rather than working from your bed if possible.  Try to avoid screens as much as possible leading up to falling asleep as blue light has negative effects on sleep as well. Setting a schedule for yourself regarding wake up and bedtimes has also been shown to help improve sleep patterns.

Speak to your doctor about medication. Currently, medication is available that helps with depression and irregular sleep, however the medication for one can often worsen the symptoms of the other. Speak to your doctor about the symptoms you have been experiencing, and work with your medical provider to find the medication that works best for you. Remember to be open and honest with your doctor- they want to help you but they need your 100% honesty as far as substance use and current routines go when prescribing medication.

Try CBT. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is recommended both for individuals who are having problems sleeping, and those suffering from mental health disorders. It is also recommended for anyone who needs an outlet during these uncertain times. CBT helps to reframe negative thoughts that contribute to depression or anxiety and poor sleep.  CBT-I is a specialization directly devoted to the treatment of insomnia. Ask your mental health professional if they have experience with CBT-I or if they know someone who does.

 

References:

Mental Illness and Sleep Disorders, June 2018, www.tuck.com/mental-illness-and-sleep/ 

Sleep & Mental Health, February 2013, https://www.sleephealthfoundation.org.au/public-information/more/sleep-blog/sleep-and-mental-health.html

Sleep and Mental Health, Harvard Health, Updated June 2018, https://www.health.harvard.edu/newsletter_article/sleep-and-mental-health

How Mental Health Affects Sleep and Vice Versa, Tuck Sleep, June 2018, https://www.tuck.com/mental-illness-and-sleep/

Body Image and Mental Health

More and more, people are becoming subject to unrealistic expectations of what a body “should” look like. Not only is it becoming a bigger problem for adolescents and adults, but for children as well. A recent study showed that more than half of girls (55-59%) and one third of boys (33-35%) age 6-8 said that their ideal bodies are thinner than their actual ones. (1) If this is the case, what can we do to protect ourselves from the self-doubt and anxiety that are caused by a negative body image?

Be Mindful When Choosing Who to Follow

It’s so easy to get caught up in the appeal of “keeping up” with the biggest Hollywood stars, but the fact is, the majority of what they post is digitally altered- giving the audience an unreal expectation of how they should look. Instead of giving in to the pressure of knowing what is going on in the lives of celebrities, instead try following social media accounts that encourage body positivity and healthy lifestyles in addition to friends and family members.

Surround Yourself with Positive People

If you are constantly spending your time with people who put themselves and others down, it’s almost guaranteed that you are going to begin feeling and thinking negatively about yourself too.  Make an effort to spend your time with people who make you feel good about yourself, and who don’t spend their time spreading negativity.

Take Care of Yourself

Not only does this include eating nutritious meals, getting proper sleep, and exercising regularly, but also treating yourself to self-care days.  Take some time to relax and unwind to keep your mind free of unwanted thoughts regarding your body image. Spend 2-3 minutes in the morning to repeat positive affirmations to yourself to get your mind ready for the day ahead.

Clothing Choices Matter

Fashion choices are often influenced by the media, friends, or family, not all bodies are the same- and trying to dress like someone with a complete opposite body shape as you can lead to frustration and poor self-esteem. It’s important to take your body shape into account when purchasing new clothing, as well as your taste in clothing to ensure you are wearing what YOU want to wear. Feeling confident and comfortable in your clothing choices are important in creating a better relationship with your body image.

P.A.C.E Yourself

Thomas F. Cash, Ph.D. put together a strategy for overcoming your body issues. P.A.C.E stands for Prepare, Act, Cope, Enjoy.

Prepare- Write down your strategy for overcoming your body image issues in advance; include your ultimate goal (ex. Overcome your fear of working out in front of other people), the actions you plan to complete to get to your goal (ex. Start going to the gym at off-peak times to avoid most people at first), and the reward that you will allow yourself to have once you complete your goal, or milestones along the way (ex. Get a smoothie on the way home from the gym, or enjoy the hot tub for 15 minutes after each session).

Act-  Now that you have your plan together, it’s time to act on your ideas. If you need a friend to go with you to the gym, ask; do whatever you need to do to set yourself up for success.

Cope- The journey is not going to be easy all the time. You need to expect and accept that there will be some hard times. Prepare yourself for these times with breathing techniques or coping mechanisms that work for you when anxiety tries to prevent you from accomplishing your goals.

Enjoy- Once you get through the hard times, allow yourself to enjoy the rewards, and ultimately the success of accomplishing your goal. Don’t criticize yourself if things didn’t go exactly as you had planned- just enjoy the fact that you were able to overcome your insecurities. (2)

Preparing ourselves for the unavoidable parts of life such as body image issues is important for many reasons, including avoiding depression, anxiety and low self-esteem. There are resources available to help overcome negative body image thoughts such as The Body Positive, Teen Talk, Body Confidence Canada , and The Dove Self-Esteem Project . If we prepare ourselves in advance with coping mechanisms to deal with the negative thoughts we have regarding our bodies, we are far more likely to overcome the issues.

If you feel as though you cannot handle the problems on your own, speak with a friend, family member, or mental health professional. 

References

  1. A Common Sense Research Brief- January 21, 2015 Page 5 Tip #1

  2. Cash, Thomas F. Ph.D.- The Body Image Workbook. Pages 154-157.

  3. National Eating Disorders- 10 Steps to Positive Body Image

  4. Huffington Post- 10 Ways to Improve Your Body Image by Linsey Hart

  5. Kids Health- Body Image and Self-Esteem   

Quality Time with Loved Ones

In our recent wellness survey, the top answer to the question “what is the most important aspect of maintaining your personal wellness and ensuring personal growth” was “quality time with friends and family.” This answer was noted by 34% of the participants. However, not all time spent with loved ones is “quality”.  Is there a difference between spending time with your loved ones having a meaningful conversation and bonding, or sitting beside them glued to your phones? The answer may seem obvious, but it is often difficult to choose to spend your time with others in ways that benefit both your relationship and your mental health. Here are some suggestions for activities that maybe beneficial:

Go For a Walk:

Photo by Agung Pandit Wiguna

Fresh air, exercise, good conversation and time with your loved one- what more could you need? Take the time you have together to spend some quality time while you get outside and increase your heart rate. Not only is it going to strengthen your relationship, it will help you work towards your goal of 30 minutes of activity each day. If walking isn’t really your thing, try biking, swimming or doing yoga together; any activity that will get your heart rate up will be beneficial for your health.

Cook A Meal Together:

Cooking is always a great way to spend time with family and friends. You get the opportunity to exchange healthy recipes and learn new tips and tricks. Meal prepping for the week is also a great way to spend your time and set yourselves up for a week of clean eating. When you’re looking for recipes, remember to choose foods that will benefit your mental health and overall wellbeing. In addition to cooking together, sit down and eat your meal together at a table and not in front of an electronic. It’s so easy these days to grab your meal and scatter to your designated rooms, but make the effort to eat your meals with each other as often as possible.

Teach Your Kids:

This one may sound obvious, but many people are quick to give their children a task to distract them while they try to get their own tasks completed. Instead of shooing the kids away, teach them how to help you out; if they show an interest in the laundry, take the time to show them how to wash, dry and fold their own clothes. Not only will it take some of the stress off of you, but it will teach them valuable life lessons and help them prepare for their futures.

Schedule A Family Night:

Dedicate one night per week to family time. This can mean a game night, a movie night, or even a dinner out at a restaurant. Whatever you choose to do, keep the cell phones hidden away and focus on giving your undivided attention to your family. If you keep the day and time consistent, everyone will know not to schedule outside activities and miss out on the time together.

Any time that you are able to spend with your friends and family is great, but there are definitely certain ways that can benefit your overall wellness more than others. If you have more ideas, share them in the comments of this post - we would love to hear what you and your family do together that improves your relationships and overall wellness.

Social Media and Self-Esteem

Most of us are guilty of using social media on a semi-regular basis. It can be a very useful tool to stay connected to family and friends, but at what point does it change from an innocent look in an attempt to remain current on the lives of friends and family to an unhealth need and potentially self-esteem damaging obsession?

The results of studies related to social media have had mixed results, but there is a common theme - self-esteem is impacted by the use of social media. A survey of active social media users (both male and female) between the ages of 28-73 report that using social media has impacted their self-esteem in a negative way (1). Another study of teenagers aged 13-17 showed that 24% said social media had a negative effect on their lives with instances of bullying, unrealistic views of others’ lives in comparison to their own, and conflict, unrealistic expectations and dissatisfaction within their own relationships (2). A third study showed that social media platforms such as Snapchat, Facebook, Twitter and Instagram led to increased feelings of depression, anxiety, poor body image and loneliness (3).

So how can we eliminate the risk of becoming subject to damaged self-esteem via social media? Here are a few tips:

1- Limit time spent on social platforms:

This may sound simple- but it’s so easy to lose track of time when you’re scrolling through countless pictures and status updates. Try setting a timer to track your social media time. Once the timer goes off, the apps have to be closed for the night. In addition to setting the timer, make it a point to stay off social media close to bedtime. Proper sleep hygiene includes not using screens close to falling asleep to help your brain prepare for sleep.

2- Turn off the notifications:

It’s hard to ignore a list of notifications on your phone. For some, the little red bubble next to the app is impossible to ignore. Turning off notifications will help to eliminate the impulse to check your social platforms.

3- Stick to friends and family:

Many of us are guilty of trying to keep track of what celebrities are doing what on social media, but let’s face it - we all know that celebrities have an entourage of individuals who assist with their daily tasks such as professional makeup artists, hairdressers, stylists, photographers and photo editors all to make their photos look as “perfect” as possible. These unrealistic images do nothing but harm to our self-esteem. Try stick to following only your friends and family on social media for a more realistic, natural looking feed.

4- Limit Social Media Platforms:

A study published by Computers in Human Behavior showed that people who use more than 7 social media platforms had more than three times the risk of depression than those who used two or fewer platforms (4). If you are someone who uses many different social media platforms, monitor which ones bring you joy and which ones do not. Try to choose your top 2 apps and stick with only the ones which bring you a sense of happiness. Don’t be afraid to delete the platforms that do not bring you joy.

Like most things in life, social media is good in moderation. It’s a fantastic tool that allows us to easily stay connected with individuals that we otherwise would have trouble communicating with. Knowing ways to protect your self-esteem is very important for anyone who chooses to download an app of this sort. Feel free to share in the comments ways that you protect yourself from damaged self-esteem.


References:

1. Social Media’s Impact on Self-Esteem | HuffPost | February 22, 2017

2. Teens are Divided on the Impact of Social Media | American Psychiatric Association | June 7, 2018

3. Social Media Effects on Teens | Impact of Social Media on Self-Esteem | Child Mind Institute

4. 5 Ways Social Media Affects Teen Mental Health | Sherri Gordon | September 19, 2018

Cap Psych Pod Episode 8: Grounding Techniques

Today we’re joined by Tracey Eisenberg. Tracey is a registered psychotherapist and has been with us here at Capital Psychological since 2020. Tracey’s diverse career as a lawyer, coach, and now therapist has offered her an opportunity to treat both individuals and teams in crisis, as well as individuals facing mental health challenges. Tracey’s practice focuses primarily on supporting individuals aged 12+ to address issues such as anxiety and depression, stress management, trauma, compassion fatigue, self-esteem related issues, and other mental health challenges. Today, Tracey will be discussing the importance of utilizing grounding techniques in everyday life, as well as how to prepare yourself for holiday situations that can be tricky to navigate for some.

 

What are grounding techniques?

I get that question a lot in session when I’m suggesting to clients that it’s something they can benefit from, especially if they’re anxious. In the simplest form, grounding exercises are things that you can do to help bring yourself back into the present moment. So, if someone’s super anxious or if they’re having a panic attack or they’re in their head, grounding will bring them back into the room and back into the environment. There are many different kinds of exercises, some of which I will describe for you today, and they range in both complexity and time spent. Some grounding techniques are as simple as getting in touch with your breath- hearing it, feeling it, sometimes counting it. It’s similar to mindfulness; you have probably heard a lot about mindfulness – the act of staying present in your environment. There is a great deal of overlap here but whereas mindfulness is a grounding practice that can be done daily. When we talk about grounding it is usually done when we are feeling overwhelmed, anxious, or stressed.

What sort of situations in everyday life can call for grounding techniques?

I think, especially right now in a… I’d like to say post-covid but I’m not quite there yet.  In a “getting to post-Covid world” there are many things that can being us to a place of heightened emotion – anger, anxiety, fear, etc. Whether the emotion comes from a flashback from a previous incident (common for those suffering from PTSD), or we are faced with difficult situations at work or home, these techniques are helpful. For example, if you suffer from panic attacks (this is a formal diagnosis provided to you by a health professional) or you are having trouble coping with a difficult person or assignment at school or work, you might find yourself in a place of distress. Maybe you had a confrontational conversation with someone, and you are activated by it and worried. You might be replaying events over and over in your head, or your heart rate is up, your palms are a little sweaty, you are having trouble concentrating and you might feel a bit panicky. These are all typical situations in which grounding can be helpful. Or maybe you have a really confrontational conversation with someone and after the conversation you’re really revved up and worried about it and maybe you’re replaying it in your head over and over again multiple times, these are situations where someone can feel panicky and they’re all situations where grounding can really be helpful.

How will the grounding be helpful? What can I expect to feel?

That’s a good question. Let’s get into the nuts and bolts of grounding. Grounding will help because, essentially, it brings you out of your head and back into the room or environment. It is like the cog in the wheel that is spinning around and around in your head. It helps to stop the spinning and it’ll slow you down, reconnects you to the “now” and helps to slow your breathing and your racing thoughts. Some people report that when they’re in the middle of a grounding exercise, they find that they are not thinking about anything else but the exercise which is something they find very helpful and relieving. The exercises are underrated because they can bring you to a place of increased peace and tranquility, without the need to solve the problem or figure anything out – in other words, grounding allows you to just “be”. You can expect to feel different things when you ground – depending on the type of exercise.

You’ve probably heard of the term adrenal fatigue. Grounding techniques can help us to address this issue which can leave us feeling depleted for most of the day. Our adrenal glands excrete hormones like cortisol. These levels usually peak in the morning and fall as we near bedtime. For those under stress, this hormone level may become unsynchronized. Grounding – and especially earthing – can help to resynchronize the levels of cortisol and provide more energy.

A simple grounding technique is to walk barefoot on the ground (grass is an amazing place to try this). The exercise reconnects you to the earth, to where you are, and to nature. When we reconnect with the earth we feel more solid, and calmer. Another nature-based grounding technique is hugging a tree. Trees are so solid that hugging one can remind us of how they have weathered so much over so long a time and are still there, rock solid. Otherwise referred to as “earthing”, the idea is to connect to the energy of something living. For the non-tree-huggers, I will go through some other easily accessible exercises.

Other grounding exercises that you might find helpful are:

·       Connecting to your breath (breathing slowly up to ten times until you both feel and hear your breath and the breath stabilizes to a consistent rhythm. When you do this exercise, count each breath, and focus on both the inhale and exhale. When possible, extend the exhale for a bit longer.

·       Hold something cold in your hand and notice the object (a canned drink from the refrigerator will do the trick). Feel the cold, the shape of the can. Take a sip and notice the feeling of the drink as you swallow, the bubbles, the fizzy sound.

·       Pick up your pet if you have one, and notice how they feel – the beat of their heart, the feel of the fur/hair, their smell.

·       Use all of your senses. Try to name 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch right near you, 3 things you can hear (eyes closed are best on that one), and 2 things you can smell, and then think of one thing you are grateful for. This is a particularly effective technique that I use often with clients.

·       Splash your face with cold water and notice how it brings you back into the room.

·       Jump up and down for a moment and then clap your hands. These movements will help to release some anxiety and also bring you some body awareness.

·       People who experience frequent bouts of anxiety use both the breath and the senses exercise, and some will even wear a hair elastic on their wrist that they can flick gently. This helps to bring them to the present.

I would like to elaborate a bit on the extended exhale breathing. This exercise is the most readily available as you always have your breath with you. It is an extremely useful grounding tool. Breathe in through the nose to a count of 4 and then exhale very slowly through the mouth until you are empty. Then stop and notice how you feel. You will likely feel calmer. You can do multiple rounds of this exercise.

 

As we approach the holiday season, how can someone use grounding techniques in a situation such as a stressful event like hosting a big dinner or attending a large family gathering?

Holidays can be stressful at the best of times. We are usually overwhelmed with a long “to-do” list. There may be individuals with whom relationships are strained but who will be present. It is a great idea to start (before the holiday season) by focusing inward. Notice how you are breathing. Is your breath feeling tighter than usual? Are you taking shallower breaths? Do you find your mind distracted or racing? Begin now to practice the extended exhale breathing. If you can, combine 2 of these exercises and sit on a chair with your feet solidly on the ground (earthing element) and then use your breath. Notice how you feel after. Does your chest expand easier? Is your mind calmer?

Before guests arrive, ground yourself. Take the time to be present. Practice some gratitude (another podcast for sure) for everything that you have and that you are and take a moment to yourself to do a 5-4-3-2-1 exercise in private. So much preparation goes into the holiday gatherings, and we want to be present (mindfully) to enjoy them. Don’t feel awkward if you need to leave the room for a few minutes to ground if you are beginning to feel heightened. Take a mindful walk before everyone arrives...it will settle the mind and prepare you for the arrival of others into your space. What is a mindful walk?

 

How are mindfulness and grounding related?

Mindfulness is a type of meditation that, like grounding, is aimed at reducing stress and anxiety. It gets you in touch with your feelings and senses (like the 5-4-3-2-1 exercise) and heightens your awareness of the environment (similar to earthing). There are many different ways to practice mindfulness. The mindful walk I mentioned is one. Take a walk (without earbuds if possible) and notice everything in your path – what do you see, what can you touch (leaves, trees, grass)? Pay attention to everything – what do you smell, hear, etc.? Other mindfulness exercises include doing a body scan where you try to focus your attention on each part of your body. Notice where you are tensing up and where you are not. Stay aware of any sensations, emotions, or thoughts that you notice as you scan your body. YouTube has many guided body scans that you can listen to and follow along. Simple mindful exercises such as sitting and breathing or walking can be practiced at any time. For the body scan, allow more time and a quiet space.

 

Can anyone do these exercises or do you need to be professionally trained?

The exercises I have mentioned today – both the mindfulness ones and the grounding techniques do not require professional training. However, if you are in the care of a therapist, he or she can walk you through these exercises and may even practice them in session. Feel free to ask questions if you feel you need more guidance.

Cap Psych Pod Episode 7: Psycho-Educational Assessments

Today we're joined by Sarah Mackrell. Sarah is our head psychometrist. Today she will be sharing some information on the different types of assessments that we offer as well as when to tell if you or your child may need an assessment and what to do once the assessment is complete.

The first question that I think we should start with is how to tell if you or your child may need an assessment?

S:  Signs that a child might require an assessment often depends on the age; so early on, it can often be prompted by family physicians. For example, are kids meeting appropriate developmental milestones for things like motor skills or speech, are they developing expectedly in terms of their social skills from things like eye contact, social play, etc. Once kids are older in the daycare and in school years, it can be prompted by teachers or daycare providers who may express concerns about their behavior or learning skills, especially compared to their peers. Also, parent intuition; are you concerned about something in their developments? Are you seeing them struggle more than expected in terms of their development or academic skills? And if you're not sure, talking to a doctor or friends or teachers can be helpful.

Typically, what age do children need or generally complete an assessment?

S: So, often when we're looking at assessment timing, important transitions in developmental can help prompt us for when we might look at when we want to do those. For example, as I mentioned, starting daycare or elementary school are big transitions for kids so it's common for kids to have some trouble with that adjustment as they’re settling into a new environment or new routine. Think about “Is there difficulty excessive” so, are you seeing a lot of behavioral challenges? Is it causing them a lot of mental health difficulties for a longer period than expected? Are they having a lot of social challenges that, again, are not typical for the usual adjustment trouble that they might have a new environment? And a big part for that is thinking about where they are developmentally, so is anyone else concerned? Again, as I mentioned, we expect some adjustment difficulty, but is it above and beyond what’s typical in terms of the intensity and duration of those challenges and where are they at relative to their peers? For example, when we're talking about starting school, you might have a child who's born in December versus a child born in January and we would expect some development variation there in terms of their adjustments. Keeping in mind, is it appropriate for where they’re at for their age and where they are relative to their peers?

As far as teacher prompting that's a big one from learning disabilities and attention issues as those tend to be noticed in the classroom. Academically, around grades 2/3 is usually when we do assessments the first time around for reading, writing, and math challenge. Attachment issues tend to come out more then too as kids are in a more structured academic environment. Sometimes, we see those troubles more often because there’s greater demands on staying seated or listening to instructions. For kids who do relatively well in earlier grades, we often do assessments around that middle school- high school range as there's more demands on attention skills like planning, organization, homework, increased independence that tends to be a time were especially bright kids they can't really coast by anymore on their intellect, they start having more demands that look for more of those higher order skills versus their aptitude for a task. Then the final time for kids is usually that reassessment often needed for college or university to maintain supports.

K: Okay that makes sense, so it really just varies depending on every kid, really.

S: Yeah, and there's expected transition points where there are shifts in the curriculum and that can make things more or less difficult for different kids depending on the areas they struggle with.

Right, okay. So, so far, the focus has been on children but adults sometimes also require an assessment. What are some signs that an adult may want to seek out an assessment?

S: For adults typically, the main prompt is difficulty in the workplace. For people finding that they’re having a lot of trouble focusing on their job tasks, people who are consistently having trouble meeting workplace deadlines, mental health challenges can also prompt needing an assessment done. For adults, the mental health challenges might be also an issue in the workplace but often it’s prompted by physicians who want a formal diagnosis to help guide pharmacological treatment to see what's the diagnosis they fit best into, what medications might help, or if there's multiple diagnoses because that can affect the combination of medications and might be important information for a physician.

Another type of assessment often done for adults is for people have been in some type of accident. For example, car accidents, or people have had some have injury from activity like a concussion. In that case, someone might need an assessment to formalize support for workplace or for accessing services through their insurance company.

Okay, perfect. Starting the assessment process can seem like a daunting task for some people. Can you explain the different types of assessments that there, are and how each type of assessment can be helpful?

S: Yep, so as I mentioned, psychological assessments are one type of assessment and that's usually then formalized a mental health diagnosis; that can be used for guidance for physicians. It could also be used for guidance for therapist, so if someone's working with therapist and feels that a formal diagnosis can help guide treatment, that can be useful. Also, this can be used in the workplace and people need accommodations around their condition or support or things like extra time for work or any time off, things like that.

ADHD assessments are another type of assessment. Again, often those are used for accommodations in school and the workplace, formalizing supports, also for physician guidance for medication if needed.

Psycho-educational assessments are used in the education world especially, so school accommodations for things like extra time, access to technology for students, and formalizing supports in the workplace too. If someone might have a long term academic challenging for things like reading, you might need accommodations in the workplace for things like technology.

Gifted testing is often used just to confirm a student meets criteria for entrance into gifted programming offered through the schools because that tends to be limited, so that's more confirming that they meet criteria in that case.

For Autism Assessments, again providing guidance from parents, teachers, physicians just best support the child for other practitioners who involved in care. Assessments are also often required in order to access funding services available. So, the assessment can help open up access to services and provide more information on how to best support children and adults.

Neuropsychological assessments again guidance for physicians, accessing funding through insurance, workplace and for children also in the school.

Okay perfect! Can you tell us about the process of getting a child in for an assessment and just kind of some general timelines that people can expect?

S: The first step is calling the main office to see what the wait times are. Unfortunately, there's a lot of demand right now and wait list can be extensive at a lot of offices. So, calling the office, getting your name on the wait list and see what the expected wait times are, which can vary depending on the time of year and demand at the time. The next step is to speak with your family doctor and insurance companies; check if you have coverage and if you need a doctor’s referral letter. We don't need a doctor’s referral letter for you to access our services, but some insurance companies do require a doctor’s letter saying that you require an assessment to provide coverage for the process.

Once you come up on the wait list, someone from the office will call you to set up an intake meeting. For parents of children, that meeting’s done just with parents to review the child's medical history, social, emotional, and academic history. For adults, work history is also applicable. After that, we will book times for you to come into the office to do testing; the assessment measures are completed in the office. After that's completed, we will score all the test materials and prepare a draft report. This is written by the Psychometrist and Psychologist involved in the assessment. Once that's done, we complete a feedback session where we review any diagnoses and then talk about recommendations which is the most important part in order to see how to help with areas of challenge. Finally, we send you a copy of the report to review and that's an opportunity go through it in more detail and ask us any follow up questions.

What kind of information is included in the final report?

S: The final report typically involves a review of background history that we get at the intake meeting, the second part of the report is looking at the testing results, so a summary of all the testing completed in office, and then the final, most important part is the recommendation section. The way the report’s broken up for that part is it's usually in headings for the areas of difficulty, and in that section, we’ll talk about accommodations and recommendations for what can be done to address those challenges. For students, it could be in class support (classroom modifications, technology access) it can be referrals for other professionals that might be able to help work with those areas more specifically like an occupational therapist or a therapist for emotional challenges, and adjustments for evaluations in the workplace or school setting.

Okay, and then once the final feedback appointment is completed and parents have the report with all those recommendations, what should they do with it?

S: The first thing parents should do is contact your child's school and let them know that you have completed an assessment, you have the report, and would like to set up a meeting to review the recommendations and set up an Individual Education Plan (IEP) and that's just to formalized supports in the school. [The IEP] is basically a condensed document that summarizes any diagnoses, areas of strengths, areas of challenge, and then has required supports for environmental accommodations in the classroom, assessment accommodations required for tests and exams, and instructional accommodations required by the teacher as far as how they communicate your child for their needs. Once a feedback appointment is completed, another thing that might be required too is additional paperwork. This depends on the case; for the majority of people, the report is enough for school, but in some cases if you're looking at things like funding access there might be additional paperwork that we need to fill out. At that point parents can also let us know if there's any documents they need us to complete to help support an application for funding support.

Just a couple more questions and these are questions that we typically get from parents or from people that are having assessments done. One is how to explain the process to a child – for some it can be kind of scary and if you tell a child they are going to see a doctor, I know a lot of the time they expect to be getting needles at our office, which is not accurate. How would you suggest that people explain the whole process to a child?

S: Often, we’ll recommend using the child’s own words. Usually by the time people are looking at an assessment, kids are aware of what they're struggling with so whether it be reading or attention or difficulty with their peers, they’re usually expressing to their parents that they're struggling either if they’re [feeling] more sadness, they’re more anxious about things, or they're just really frustrated. We usually recommend using their own language back to them, so “Remember when you mentioned you were having trouble?” or “You're feeling left out and you're not really sure why.” or “That reading homework we've been doing, you’ve been getting really frustrated.” or “Do you feel like you're listening in class but people are telling you that you're not paying attention or you're not working hard enough?” Using their own frustrations and saying, you know “You've expressed that you're really having a challenge in this area. We want to make it easier for you.” Using their experience can be useful because then it makes sense to them why, and it’s also validating their experience and explaining that this is supposed to make your life easier and that's why we're doing it.

One last question: is the outcome of this going to limit them from being successful in the future?

S: Yeah, so that’s often a common concern from parents is if they do meet criteria for some kind of diagnosis, whether it be learning or attention or something else. The fear that this identification is going to hinder them in some way or that their challenges are going to stop them from achieving your goals or being successful and this is not true at all. It’s not uncommon for students have the biggest difficulty in these areas in the school-age time, so elementary school to high school. Unfortunately, there's not a lot of flexibility at this age; you have to be in school for a set amount of time, you have to sit at a desk for a certain amount of time, you're taking courses that are required despite your interest level in some cases, and this tends to be less of an issue overtime. Towards the end of high school students get a lot more choice, they're picking things that they're interested in, they naturally will self-select into a skill area and especially as they go into the college or university time, they’re picking something they’re going to be doing as a career- something they're motivated to do, something they’re interested in, something they’re good at, and they’re going to be surrounded by peers who have similar interests. So, the impact tends to be less and less overtime. It's not to say that their challenges won’t affect them in those careers, but the motivation and their skill will compensate in a lot of ways, and people don't have to pick a job if they're not good at it. You can pick a job that you're interested in, you can pick careers that are on a topic you’re related to that minimize impact your challenges. Someone with attention issues might not want to sit at a desk all day and be staring at a computer screen; they might want something more dynamic where you're talking to people and they’re able to change what they're doing day to day. There are ways to be successful in careers that were going to minimize the impact as an adult and that's something that's going to improve overtime.

I think that was all the questions that we had. Thanks so much for joining us today Sarah that was very helpful. I'm sure I'm sure it'll be great for a lot of people who are questioning where to get started with assessments.

S: It can be a daunting process but it's really helpful I find, for a lot of people having some type of information about why they're struggling and guidance on how to overcome [it].

Thank you so much again to Sarah Mackrell for joining us today. If anyone would like more information on assessments within our office, please feel free to call us at 613-599-7709 or visit our website at www.capitalpsychological.com.

Cap Psych Pod Episode 6: Gender Identity

  Today we’re joined by Melissa Flatla.  Melissa works with individuals (ages 9+) who have questions and concerns related to anxiety, depression, self-esteem, neurodiversity, trauma, and identity. In particular, Melissa specializes in working with the trans* and gender diverse population. Melissa works with clients to co-create a space wherein they can feel empowered to share their stories and move toward wellness through a lens of self-compassion. In honor of June being Pride month, today we’ll be speaking about all things gender identity. 

For anyone listening who may not be familiar, can you please explain what being transgender is, or what questioning your gender identity means?

M: Yeah, absolutely. I’ll give a bit of a brief overview. So really, I'm going to start by giving some terminology. When we think about transgender we also need to think about cisgender. These are often the terms that folks might hear most often. Cisgender is essentially an individual whose sex assigned at birth and their gender - so their identity - align. Transgender, again I’m putting this very simply just for the sake of doing so, is someone whose sex assigned at birth and gender, so their identity, do not align. Now, there's a whole wide range of identities and terminology that I won't delve into today- I'll just give you sort of a scratching at the surface, but there's a lot more so if folks want to do some reading or watching some videos there's a wealth of info on out there.

When we talk about gender, we need to also talk about sex. I'll be saying sex, biological sex, sex assigned at birth, I might use them interchangeably today. Essentially what that is is it's a categorization that's based on somebody's external presentation at the time they're born; so, the baby is born and the doctor or the nurse looks at the baby- they look at their external genitalia and they place them in a category. Typically, it's either male or female although there is a third sex- intersex, and folks may be put in that category if it's not clear where they might fall. Now, this categorization- this assignment that's made for us really sort of shifts this trajectory for the child. This changes their socialization, it gives us a little letter to put on our birth certificate or on our passport, but it also changes, sometimes, what kind of opportunities somebody has access to, or how they're spoken to. It really dictates a great deal, and all of this happens before we have any idea how somebody feels or what their identity is because babies don't talk, so they can't tell us.

When I think of gender I also think okay, let's talk about sex at the same time so we can understand that those two pieces are in fact separate from one another. In terms of questioning our gender identity, everybody is going to define this in a very different way and I'm sort of prefacing the conversation with that because I think it's important to honor the fluidity of life, the fluidity of identity. We’re all on various journeys at any given time and that's the beauty of it; that's the beauty of being alive and being human. So, whether we are looking at, you know, any aspect of our identity there's really no one way to be someone. There's no one way to be a sibling or parent or a teacher or therapist; we get to decide that for ourselves we get to define that for ourselves, and I very much think that gender is the same. We are the ones who can determine what language feels most authentic, what expression feels like it truly brings us to the forefront, you know, how we want to be seen, how we to be received in the world. I think we do that with more than just gender, so it's a process we’re familiar with but when we start talking about gender, I think this is a place where people feel particularly vulnerable especially in the current climate. A questioning of gender identity to me is really something that I define as a personal journey you know, an aspect of our lives that that many of us may go on at various points and we may, you know, start and return to it as many times as needed but it's a place of curiosity and inviting ourselves to listen to our own voice and to me I really think that as moving towards authenticity. Who am I? How do I want to be seen? How do I want to present myself to the world? What feels right? And then really kind of stepping into that place if vulnerability but also liberation as they move towards feeling authentic.

K: Okay, that’s great. It’s nice to mention too that once you kind of figure out who you are like how you identify it doesn't always stay the same, right, later in life it can change.

M: Exactly, it's so fluid and I always make the same cheesy joke. For people who don't know me, I'm very cheesy I don't hide that, but I often think about how when I was younger, you know, I was really invested in in Pokémon- I was really into it. Now, I don't know anything anymore but for me you know, that was a big part of my identity in a very different way of course than gender, but that was a big part of my world -my identity. It's something that I moved away from overtime. Every part of us is constantly in a state of shifting so we assess and reassess overtime. The same can be said with gender and some people may feel very firmly set and established in something whereas others may move in and out of it at any given time and both are valid, and both are beautiful.

 

Often times, it can feel important to put a label on yourself with regards to your gender identity or even your sexual preferences.  What are some tips you would give to someone who is feeling that pressure?

M: I love this question. I really appreciate you asking this, it’s something I feel like I’ve talked about so often. My first inclination here is to really want to invite folks to explore the origin of that pressure. What would having a label offer them? Where are they feeling this pressure most? Really sort of unpacking that in a sense to get a feel for whether this is something that is a value of theirs whether it's something that holds importance in their lives versus is this sort of the social obligation? Do I feel I “need” to have a label for one reason or another, and then really wanting to explore from there. We live in a world that often values concrete ways of categorizing people. This is a very human thing that we do- we like to put everything neatly into boxes that conceptualising and easily articulate, but this doesn't really align with that fluidity of life and identity so we can come up against this this resistance or this friction of sorts. I often really want to invite folks to be curious about the origin of that pressure and if possible, to remind them that labels are for us; They don't need to be for other people and we're really in the driver’s seat with regards to the language we use, the labels that will resonate with. Some folks will feel that it's very important to them to have a label and others might be on the other side of that spectrum or somewhere in between. I think being able to work towards an understanding of where is the value for us, what is important, and how can we move toward that, I think supports that general sense of authenticity and really engages us in this process of being curious about ourselves and making space for and bring your own voice to the forefront.

We have a lot of power in determining the language that we use to talk about ourselves and our experiences and even our relationship with others, so we can sort of re-offer that as many times as we need or want, so you know reminding ourselves that there are really no rules here so why not have some fun and try things on. In doing so, can we shift that to a lens of curiosity rather than maybe a lens of obligation- perhaps it takes some of the pressure off.

Sometimes it can feel awkward to ask someone what their preferred pronouns are.  How do you suggest someone can bring this up in a conversation? 

M: I want to just preface this by saying I think this is something that is definitely a big part of conversation right now especially as we talk more about trans rights, and as we really further our own understanding from social and community perspective. I will just say, you know, there certainly are many times where we feel uncomfortable, or we feel maybe we don't have the awareness or the understanding to really engage in a conversation. If possible, I will sort of invite folks to step into that discomfort and to ask. We can ask questions; we can be curious and sometimes that capacity to really step into that space and ask someone in the same way that we would ask their name really helps to essentially normalize asking for pronouns and sharing pronouns within a space. It is nice in particular when cis folks can do some of that work as well instead of feeling like it often has to fall on the trans person’s shoulders.

If we are feeling uncomfortable or if it is something that doesn't feel accessible in that moment, there are few things we can do: one thing is we can start by using sort of gender-neutral language if we're not sure of someone’s gender or if we're not sure or their pronouns, this can be relatively subtle signal that we are safe that we are aware enough to kind of hold that space so someone may offer up their pronouns once there is that so initial sense of “okay, this might be a person I can share this with”.

Another thing we can do is focus on visibility- so having our pronouns in our e-mail signatures, our website bios, social media accounts, again that's an indicator that we are aware, that we're engaged, that we are safe, that we’re allies and to me that's sort of one of these lists of simpler, more subtle things we can do to just hold that safety for others.

For me personally, I like to just start by introducing myself with name and pronouns so I would often say “Hi my name is Melissa, and my pronouns are they and she.” By doing that not only am I offering that information to another person but I'm also inviting that in return if they're comfortable sharing. I think something like that could be very helpful, so when we're introducing ourselves, we can start by stating our own pronouns as an invite to the other person. Those would be my suggestions on the surface, but I will really invite folks if they’re able to step into a bit of discomfort to try asking, I mean there's no harm in asking a question, it’s certainly something that is not offensive in nature. It's the same thing as asking someone for their name, so really wanting to get to know someone- showing them that we care and that were present and that it's important to us that we refer to them in a way that honors who they are.

K: It is nice that social media has started adding pronouns to people’s bios as well, I find that very helpful.

M: Yeah, I was just seeing it on Instagram not too long ago. I was really excited to see that that's finally coming around and thankfully that's having this this impact and spreading out into other areas, whether it's the software we use or creating an account online it prompts us for it. I love seeing it and I'm so appreciative all the folks who have gone ahead and filled theirs out.

Another question we get from parents a lot is how to talk to their kids about their gender identity if they are questioning it and struggling with figuring themselves out.  What advice would you have to parents of kids who are questioning their gender identity?

M: What a rich question. I have the benefit of working with number of young folks, so I'm hoping that this will be a space I can offer a bit of insight here. One of the most common remarks that I often hear coming from young folks, but sometimes parents too is that they can feel the discomfort around the subject coming from the other person. So sometimes my younger clients will say “I can kind of sense my parents tense up” or “I can feel that they're not sure what to say or how to navigate this” and so they almost want to rescue their parents from that space. Sometimes they might interpret that as an indication of the subject is maybe something shameful or embarrassing and they might step back somewhat. I want to be clear that the discomfort is not inherently good or bad, it is a human experience, and I don't think it's something that we should feel we have to hide either. I actually offer the same suggestion to anyone who asks, and you’ll probably hear me say these words again today but being curious and honest I think really strike me as important elements of any conversation, but especially one around something like identity or gender. Historically, there has been a great deal of shame and perhaps many of us are still kind of on our own journey of learning and engaging with ever-evolving language and ever-evolving information, I think just being really up front, being clear and sort of naming or feeling confident in naming where it is that we’re coming from and being clear about our desire to be present and to learn alongside our loved one.

I think it's really beautiful, and it could be very beautiful to know that you've got someone who wants to accompany you along that space, who wants to be there with you and is willing to say “yeah, you know, I don't have all the answers, I have questions of my own and I've got places where maybe I have concerns or I want to explore something with you, but I'm also here. I mean I want to learn from you I want to hear the language that you learn I want to hear what you resonate with.” I think it's the same thing that parents are doing with their kids around any other topic, you know, being present, being honest about what it is that you know, what it is that you don't yet know and just being really clear about what your desire is and what your intention is in having that conversation with your kid- it goes a long way. Often, I tell folks when in doubt, go back to the basics. Sometimes we overthink it a little bit and truthfully what you're doing here is probably the same thing you're doing in so many other areas and that's being present, being honest, being curious, showing all of that love that you have for your kiddo in a really direct way. I think that's a very beautiful thing and I can tell you I hear a lot of wonderful things about it in session from kids who feel really loved and supported. You don't have to get everything right, you don't have to know all the answers, they’re going to tell you.

 

One last question for you: How can we best support our loved ones in the LGBTQIA+ community?

M: I knew I was going to come back to some of these words I'm glad I said earlier! Again, I think just being curious and being present with folks is going to go a long way. Like I said, sort of coming back to the basics- the tendency we have to overthink is really, to me, an indication of how deeply we care. So, you know, being patient with ourselves as we navigate this journey alongside a friend or family member or colleague. We may be engaging with the material that we have had no exposure to before, we may be engaging in it when we've had exposure to material that maybe isn’t the same language that the person we love is using. To me, I think what we can do here, and what often goes a long way is listening very closely, you know, what kind of language do I hear my loved one using, and can I allow them to be my guide in terms you know what I might want to do some learning about, the questions I might have, what language I'm using. This is a tricky one I think that I often invite folks to try and acknowledge, if present, that fear of saying the “wrong thing.” You know, try not to fear slipping up. To me, those moments where we may say something that isn't quite the right fit, or we may reflect back a concept and perhaps we're not exactly on the right page, these are really critical for learning, for growth and they're also incredibly humanizing. When we’re sitting with another person that we love and we're engaged, we’re curious and we’re present, we're already extending all of that care to them. I think they can see us there; they can feel that genuine connection. The world isn't going to explode if we say a word that they don't resonate with or if there's a gap in our knowledge. We all have places to learn- even for myself, as someone who works primarily with the trans community, and I consider myself quite well-read in terms of the material that's available and I'm learning new things everyday from my clients. The beauty of that is we've all got our own journey and we're going to be intertwined at some point but at the end of the day, everyone uses different language for any part of their own self identification whether it's gender otherwise. What we do in other situations is we listen; we listen carefully [and we] we ask questions. To me it's really the same thing here and I certainly appreciate and recognize that this can be a topic that can feel threatening or overwhelming at times. I think it comes back to that almost fierce and intense love that we have with people in our lives, and we want to do right by them. I think the truth will just coming back to the basics in a sense would be curious and being honest are going to going to make a really profound difference in that person's journey and in our own. It will maybe take the pressure off a little bit too.

I think that's all the questions that I had for you today. Is there anything else that you wanted to add?

M:  I think there's one thing that I hope that folks will take away from today, and it's really to be kind to themselves, whether you are navigating a gender journey of your own or you’re navigating one alongside someone you love and care about, you're not going to have all the answers- none of us ever do. I mean sometimes we don't even have all the questions and to me that's part of what makes life engaging and interesting, and certainly there are moments where that is uncomfortable and overwhelming, and I imagine it is also liberating. There are so many different boxes that we sort of squeeze ourselves into and that can be such a profound task to unravel some of what we've learned or some of what we know. The world is a whole lot more expansive than we might think and the beauty is that we're learning more and more about it everyday. Listen to the people that are around you, be curious, utilized resources if you can, or ask for some if you're not sure where to go. It doesn't have to be this is daunting task. You don't have to know everything; you're just being present in the same way that you’ve done all along, so I hope that we can turn the dial back a little bit on the pressure for ourselves and for other people.

Thank you so much again to Melissa Flatla for joining us today!